Going on vacation for a while...

I feel like complete shit. So many things are happening, things beyond my control, which means my tears are on overdrive currently. I have inner stuff, out stuff, and when that gets put together? No...

I keep going through these "phases", but I have yet to decode what they mean. It's like, most of the time, I hate being, well, female. Or, not the whole "female" part, but, I guess, a "girl". The pronouns used for me can often make me cringe.

The thought of living life as a boy excites me, but I don't know why. I've looked up the terms transgender and transexual, but they feel like that all the time, don't they?

I'm real tomboy-like, yes, and have been labeled "butch" a few times, but I'm really more "femme". I wear make-up on occasion, I like getting my nails done, I feel gross without shaving, and I like cute clothing. I know those have little to do with sex and gender, style is style, but it still must mean something.

I'm having strange moments. Or, really... I don't know how to describe it. I enjoy being "girly" and "cute", but many times I'd rather have a male body, despite the mismatched personality. Am I the only one who feels such things?

So, I guess I want to know... What the fuck is up with me?!

I want her so badly right now. I feel like I'm choking.

So many times I feel like giving into these standards set out by others. Every once in a while, I'll feel incredibly inadequate as a girl, just because I have short hair, or because I don't wear makeup. Sometimes, I feel like I can't identify as "femme" because of my short hair, ridiculous as that sounds.

Sometimes I wonder whether to grow out my hair, get a relaxer, and wear it in braids. But... Why should having really short hair make me any less of a girl? I should be proud of my boy-ish pixie-cut-wannabe!

But then... eh...

Heh heh, I less than three typos.

I'm getting slightly annoyed by normal human conversation. I know the fault is all mine, but is it really too much to find someone who's mind wanders as thoroughly as mine? All I want is... someone who still has imagination. Someone who's not afraid to play pretend, despite her age.

My life is nothing but a play of pretend.

I love imagination. As I hate reality.

If asked, for obscure reasons, I claim myself to be a fairy. In defense, they scold me. Apparently, only boys can be fairies. Why is that so? What makes them more fae-ish than myself? Then I wonder... Why do I care what they think of me? I'm crazy, either way.

And I laugh.

[Proud to be a fairy!]

I want to be sixteen already. :/

    It's raining right now. I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be on this computer, on this website, not even in this room. But... I'm addicted. To what? Heh, perhaps this site, perhaps the internet. I personally believe I just hate my reality so much, I make up for it in 0's and 1's.

    Ah, I love being a geek.
   
    Geek geek geek. I'm a nerd geek. Hah!

    I made a new friend. I saw him hidden among the other plushies at the supermarket. I don't know what it was about him, but even though all the others looked exactly the same, I had to have him. He's a raccoon, nameless for now, as I am still in the search for the right one.

    What's a good name for a raccoon?

    So far, I have:

    I looked in the mirror today. All I saw was a fried raccoon.

    My non-existent hair was frizzed into a cone-shape blob of fuzz atop my head. Then my eyes. Oh, god, my eyes. They weren't there. Just big, dark bags in their place.

    So, there was that, and added to pale skin and a crusty nose?

    Ooh, I hate being sick.

    So, I have fallen ill upon these last few days of school. Only my luck, only me... Why don't I get sick during winter? Does the heat of summer and joy of vacation leave me as a breeding ground for bacteria?

    Oh, well, I get to stay home with my teddy bear. I call him Edward. He's probably my best friend. Heh heh, I'm such a loser.

Horrendously bad poetry I wrote at school.

antidepressant
a relapse in taste;
quite refine.
what will it then become,
especially of me?
who are they,
judges of poor quality,
who do so out of indirect revenge?

i am but with the sick and the ill,
meant to scavenger across life,
colored vermin pouring into my mouth
for my "well being".
only with hope they do not see
can i once again find such a peace
with lack of a doctor's touch.


robot
it's wound up smoothly
on its back. a little trinket of
a creation from them. holds
no heart from which it may stand,
gracefully,

it moves stiff.


unrequited
like a fall
on from the staircase
with an ease it is to the mind
is this soft whisper
beyond my control.
the splash of rude
has fallen deep
yet the fools claim the prize.
i am the fool
who knows better,
but will always take that fall
blissfully.

"don't you worry about the distance"

    I need money to go that far, though.

    I am fucking sick of being controlled by these emotions of mine. I just look at something, and a deep jealousy fills me. I am always so jealous.

    I need out of here. I want to run away, catch a train, a plain, anything, and leave for San Francisco. I just want to leave everything. And, maybe I can. If I work towards it, just like everything else.

    It's too strenuous. All because, I know, I'm too idealistic. Not in what I specifically want in a person, but how everything should go. And, right now, nothing is going my way.

So. I'm in love. Why do I let such feelings control me?

    So, two nights ago... I almost got kicked out of my house. It was all rather comical.

    I ran around the house singing: "La la la lesbian! I la la love lesbians!" My father, being his right-winged-self, expressed his opinion with the following words: "I will not tolerate any gay people in this house! If you ever bring one home, I'll call the cops."

    I bravely replied with, "Well, you know what? I'm going to invite [insert gay male's name here] and we're going to have gay sex on the couch!"

    Wow. Gay sex with a man. That's me on energy drinks there.

My first post! What shall I do?

Um. I'm not exactly what you'd call good with this internet stuff. So... Yeah.

Hm. I love the musical Rent and The Last 5 Years. I love being completely wild, but can sometimes come off as vulgar. I'm a tomboy!! And proud! I can freely wear boys' clothing and and know what I am! Heh heh.